I’m sorry. You’re forgiven. Let’s move on. If only apologies were that easy; they’re not. Many of us find it painful to concede fault, to acknowledge when we’re wrong. Many struggle with making a pure apology, one that skips a defense of their actions or worse.
You are not alone if you are tempted to slip in a defense with an apology. Companies do it. Politicians do it. Friends do it too. Spouses do it too. Once the apology is watered down by a BUT, the apology is forgotten and fuel has been added to the fire.
Why Is It So Difficult To Apologize?
I once asked my good friend, Rev. James L. Connor, S.J., Jesuit priest and founder of the Woodstock Business Conference, why it is so difficult to be the first to apologize. He notes that humility must be mustered to apologize. Leaders are more widely known for demonstrating confidence, authority, knowledge — these are qualitatively different traits than expressing regret, Fr. Connor noted.
“It takes courage to reflect and admit that we were wrong, selfish or hurtful,” he explains. “There’s a certain embarrassment to admitting we’re wrong, whether in business or in our personal lives.”
Humility, on the other hand, is an underused character trait derived from the Latin word humilis, which literally means low. In delivering a humble apology, you put another’s interest ahead of your own.
What Constitutes A Good Apology?
A good apology starts with an admission of wrongdoing. A genuine apology does not include the word “but” as in “I’m sorry I hit your car but you parked too close to my space.” “I apologize for losing my cool but I felt that you were blaming me…” In a genuine apology, you take responsibility for your own actions — full-throated — and you don’t blame others.
Making The Apology
First, acknowledge your role and be specific. Sorry is not enough; you must point to the error. There is no single script for an apology, but Fr. Connor offers this example:
“I would like to first apologize for what I said, which may have caused you pain/anger/embarrassment. I’m sorry for the reaction it caused. Let’s try and talk to each other about what happened and see if we can get to the cause of our disagreement and work it out.”
If you succeed in getting the other to sit down and explain his or her reaction, you can respond. “I now understand your intention and why you responded as you did. I am sorry. I want us to be able to pick up and carry on,” you might say.
Asking for the other’s point of view often reveals misinterpretations, assumptions or triggers underneath. Once you learn where someone is coming from, you can often find empathy in your response. Is there something additional you need to do to make amends?
If, after the apology is repeated, the other person is not ready to move on, don’t assume you have failed. There is virtue in apologizing. Sometimes the apology is sufficient to reset the relationship and move forward. If not, you have at least cleaned up your part of the misunderstanding.
What Can We Learn From Apology?
Life is short. Learning the art of apology means we can repair and rebuild our personal and professional relationships rather than leaving a trail of frayed edges or hurt feelings. Why must we avoid people and relationships we’ve left in careless wake? When we are the first to apologize, we sacrifice a little humility for long-term harmony and make it easier for others to do the same.
Gerri Leder is an Executive Coach and Leadership Development Partner in Executive Education for Loyola University Maryland’s Sellinger School of Business and Management. For more information on Leadership Development Programs, visit https://loyo.la/2Qb4T8D.
